Verse 1 

What if my perspective is dead 

In the water 

I regurgitate bad opinions at your 

Shitty altar 

I’m a mannequin I could never hope to walk

With my plastic feet and a yearning just to talk to you 

 

I love how this scans. You have an uneven number of syllables in lines one and three, which gives those lines a more conversational feel to them. This is balanced out really well with lines 2 and 4, and the ending couplet, matching each other respectively in the number of syllables (not including the “to you”, which reads more like it’s its own line). The ending couplet, with twelve syllables, also feels conversational, but more subliminally structured, as if your thoughts are progressing and getting more certain. I love the rhyme of “water” and “altar”. 

 

Chorus 

You wear me inside out like clothes

Throw me to the wayside

I know just what you do not know 

I live in my own mind

 

The rhyme scheme on this is really intricate and well constructed. I especially like how you have “inside”, “wayside”, and “mind” with that “eye” sound emphasized, even if “wayside” and “mind” aren’t full rhymes. Pairing that with “clothes” and “know” ending lines 1 and 3 really packs in the rhymes which creates a very musical feel to the words. One thing about this particular section in particular is that your rhyming is very focused on vowel sounds. This gives you a lot of flexibility when it comes to utilizing slant/partial/half/imperfect rhymes, but the consistency in using vowel sounds gives this section a solidness that is often missing from using those types of rhymes. This is probably my favorite section of the song, from a construction standpoint. 

 

Who’s the villain that you pray to ? 

Talking ethics at a crosswalk 

Who’s the villain that you pray to? 

Heaven fell on earth once

 

This section comes across as more free verse, with the almost but not quite equal number of syllables on lines 2 and 4 (eight vs six). With even number lines being traditionally the ones more connected to each other in rhyme and meter, this, like you have in the verses, has a conversational feel to it. This matches the meaning of the song, as you’re speaking to someone, expressing how you feel about them and the toxicity of your relationship (I use in a broader sense, not necessarily romantic one). I like the connection between “pray” and “altar” from the first verse. It brings in a spiritual/religious connotation that adds a unique depth to the person this song is about. Saying that the person prays to a “villain” opens up the song to be a critique of this person’s particular religious/spiritual beliefs, while also staying vague enough to be using religion/spirituality as a metaphor for something else. 

 

Verse 2 

I cannot spew an algorithm 

From my own two hands

Won’t be a victim of your Brooklyn 

Like an Airbnb scam

What I am 

 

I love that you’re ragging on Brooklyn. I’m sure it’s way different now than it was when I was living there, but I’m also sure it’s followed the trajectory of gentrification that was present when I was there. The construction of this verse differs from verse one, lending itself to the overall conversational tone of the song. “Hands”, “scam”, and “am” follow your established vowel rhyming focus, with “hands” and “scam” being almost full/perfect, but still with more of a loose feel like other rhymes in the song. “Algorithm” and “Brooklyn” have a slight rhyming connection, but it’s not particularly strong. This is not an issue, since lines 1 and 3 are often rhyme free, and I think meaning in this case surpasses rhyme scheme.

 

Bridge

Oh no – here I go 

I wanted something more  x5 ish 

 

The bridge adds additional context to the song, while still staying simple enough for the music to come in and drive the song. 

 

Chorus x2 

 

Overall I’d say this is a very well put together song. I love your use of rhymes, playing around with different schemes and allowing yourself the space to use partial rhymes in order to preserve meaning, and opening yourself up to more unique possibilities than you’d get if you were strictly focused on full rhymes. There’s not much in terms of a structured meter, but that’s ok. It gives the song a more conversational feeling, which fits the overall meaning of the lyrics. You’re talking to someone, telling them off, and ending a relationship. There’s not an indication in the song whether it’s romantic or platonic, which I feel makes the song stronger than if you’d given us more backstory. It makes the song more relatable to the listener; we’ve all had relationships and friendships that have turned toxic, and wanted to tell the other person off. The progression of the song creates a sense of growth in yourself, as you realize the toxicity of this person and how they affect you. The one thing we’re missing in the story is an ending, where you make a decision as to what action to take after coming to this realization. I don’t necessarily think you need one, as what you intend to do (cut this person out of your life) is implied, and keeping things more open can be good from an artistic perspective, but it’s something to keep in mind. If you want the ending to be definitive, then a third verse may be needed (I’m a big fan of third verses), but I can also see that hurting the overall impact of the song. 

 

Structurally (two verses, a bridge, and a double chorus at the end) the song is very much in line with a typical pop song, which puts extra emphasis on the choruses. This is where the core meaning of your lyrics will come from, with the verses there to add context and progression. That means that the most impactful line of the song is “Who’s the villain that you pray to ? “, because it’s repeated at the end of the choruses, which in turn are repeated at the end of the song. It adds extra emphasis to a sense of confusion over the actions and views of this person, and makes that the crux of your realization of this person’s toxicity. How is it that they can think what they do? It also opens up the question of how this affects your view of yourself, as you recognize this person’s toxicity and change your view of them. If you are going to add any additional context or meaning, this is the direction I’d suggest you look into. What does this person’s beliefs and relationship to them say about you? I don’t think the song necessarily needs to go in this direction in order to be solid (it’s already very good), but that’s what comes to mind when I think about what you can add or change when it comes to the overall meaning of the song.